Nicola Bennett | Trauma & EMDR Therapist | Sudbury, Suffolk & Online UK
“I should be moving on. But I can’t stop seeing the moment I found out.”
Grief is painful in any form. But when a loss is sudden, shocking or traumatic, it can feel as though grief gets stuck behind the shock. You might want to remember the person you’ve lost, yet your mind keeps pulling you back to the worst moments.
When grief is also traumatic
“It wasn’t just losing them. It was how it happened.”
A sudden death, an accident, an illness that moved too fast, or being there at the end can leave a mark of its own. Alongside the loss, there may be shock, fear and images that are hard to shake. This is sometimes called traumatic grief, when the way someone died becomes as hard to live with as the loss itself.
Why do I keep replaying how it happened?
Maybe it’s the phone call, the hospital corridor, or the moment you were told. It might come back as a picture, a sound or a feeling in your body, sometimes when you least expect it.
When something overwhelming happens, the memory can stay locked in the brain with the original fear and shock still attached. So instead of feeling like something in the past, it can feel as raw as the day it happened.
Why can’t I remember the good times?
“All I see is the end.”
Many people find that the traumatic memories crowd everything else out. You want to remember their laugh, the holidays, the ordinary days, but your mind keeps returning to how it ended. That can feel like losing them all over again.
Why do I feel so guilty?
“If only I’d called sooner…” “If only I’d noticed…”
Guilt is one of the most common parts of grief, especially after a sudden loss. Your mind searches for a way it could have been different, even when there was nothing you could have done. It’s often love looking for somewhere to go.
Why does the world feel so unsafe now?
“Every time the phone rings, my heart drops.”
After a sudden loss, you might feel anxious and on edge, expecting more bad news. You might worry about the people you love, or feel that something terrible could happen at any moment. That’s your mind trying to protect you from being caught off guard again.
Why am I avoiding things?
Perhaps there are places you can’t go, photos you can’t look at, or a room you can’t walk into. Avoiding reminders can feel like the only way to get through the day, but over time it can make life feel smaller and keep the pain stuck in place.
Is this normal grief?
There’s no timetable for grief, and no right way to do it. For most people, the intensity slowly softens over time, even though the loss stays with them.
For some, though, grief stays very intense for a long time, or the traumatic memories keep getting in the way of grieving. When that happens, it may be a sign that some extra support could help.
How can EMDR help with grief?
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) can help process the traumatic memories, so you can grieve. It won’t take away your grief, but it can allow it to unfold more naturally.
As those memories are processed, they often start to feel less raw and more like something that happened in the past. That can make room for other memories to come back: the good times, the love and the person themselves, not just the way they died.
EMDR is best known as a treatment for trauma and PTSD, but it can be a helpful part of support when a loss has been traumatic.
Will EMDR take away my memories of them?
No. EMDR doesn’t erase memories or make you forget the person you’ve lost. The aim is for the most distressing memories to feel less overwhelming, so you can remember them with love rather than only with pain.
Is it too soon for therapy?
There’s no right time. Some people reach out in the first few months, others years later. In the early days, our work might focus on support and steadiness rather than processing. We’ll go at a pace that feels right for you.
Do I have to talk about everything?
No. With EMDR, you don’t need to describe every detail out loud. You can read more in my blog, What is EMDR?
Grief is the cost of loving someone, but it shouldn’t have to keep you stuck in the worst moment.
To learn more about EMDR therapy and whether it may be right for you, you can visit my EMDR Therapy page. If you have any questions, you're welcome to get in touch.